drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
