dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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