why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
