You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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