Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
