I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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