a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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