we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
