I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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