Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
