Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
