My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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