drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
