her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
