my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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