i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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