I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
