when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
