Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
