An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
