note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
