i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
