Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
