He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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