You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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