Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No I am not eating basil off your cock
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
