My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
