There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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