so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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