The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
