I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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