life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
