it hurts more in the daytime
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
