cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
