sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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