I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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