I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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