Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
