STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
