happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
