My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
