well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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