When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
