well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
