she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
