I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
