if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
