Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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