I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
