you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think my nap took me to another dimension
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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