My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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