Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
