GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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